I spent some of my vacation with a dear friend who is going to be a very excellent mother someday. She just totally gets it. I'm so convinced of that now! She taught me how to discipline my children much in the way that Supernanny does, and guess what, it actually works. Even for me! I didn't think I could do it, and that became my reality. I tried to implement time-outs in the past, but my boys didn't take me seriously and would sneak away repeatedly, or try to kick, hit, or scratch me in the process. I felt the need to hover closeby, and they resented the hovering. Somehow, she was able to turn the tides for me. She has a demeanor that told the kids she meant business, and I just followed her lead. Somehow, I have found my serious Mommy voice, and it has been such a relief to find something that really works. My friend also helped me to start a healthy bedtime routine, wherein the kids actually go to bed by themselves and yes, actually stay in bed. Amazing! Another thing that she started at her house is a reward jar, which they decorated themselves with stickers. We would give them cotton balls to put into their jars for good behavior, and when the jar is full, they trade their cotton balls in for a 'reward', such a trip to an indoor play center (such as the ones at McDonald's). They are learning that good behavior pays off. It's brilliant!! This friend of mine could actually start up her own parenting consulting company, she's that good! She also prepared a poster board that she hung on the wall with the House Rules, and we added to the list as needed. It really helps to have it in writing.
Now the bad.... I have been separated from my husband for two-and-a-half years, and for the first time, my oldest has asked me, "Mommy, why don't you let Daddy live with us? I want to see Daddy every day." It just breaks my heart!! I know it's healthy for him to finally be able to verbalize his feelings to me, but damn.... it's been very tough for me. I find my will to move on and live a healthier, happier life on my own crumbling down. I chose to leave the marriage, because I couldn't fix it on my own. My ex wouldn't admit any fault, and was very manipulative, controlling, dominating, and abusive. It was getting worse and worse. My family and close friends saw the signs before I did. I was in denial, and would not even consider the idea of leaving until it got so bad, I couldn't turn back. I had to leave. I saw the same patterns repeating over and over, and I my inner flame was being extinguished. But now, the guilt of breaking up our family for my own self-preservation has resurfaced, and I see the pain in PTJ's eyes. He is so much more affected by this than TCB. PTJ is absolutely craving a male figure in his life, and he hasn't had that for the last year. For the first year of our separation, the boys would see their dad quite often, usually every weekend. But circumstances have changed in his life, and the boys didn't see him at all for five-and-a-half months. They have maintained their relationship over the telephone, and they seemed to be adapting to the new 'normal' quite well, but that has all come crashing down after seeing him again for a week. I can't imagine how tough it has been for them, and unfortunately, they probably think it's their own fault. PTJ has said to me that "Daddy must not like me. I want Daddy to like me." I hate to think what scars they will carry with them into adulthood from this. Sometimes I question myself, and feel selfish to choose my own happiness at the cost of their pain. But then I realize that to stay in the marriage would have caused them pain also, to see their mother evaporate before their eyes. I don't know which of the two evils would be the worst. I'll never know.
