To say, or not to say?

That is the question.

Today, my parents invited us to come to a gathering with a distant relative.  This woman was born with a deformed arm.  It is fully mobile and functional, but ends just past the elbow.  She is a retired teacher, and loves children.  I thought it would be very appropriate for my sons to speak to her about her arm, respectfully, rather than pretending to ignore the 'elephant in the room'.  I wanted them to feel comfortable to ask a few questions, in their innocence.  It would have put them at ease.

But no, that was not "allowed"  My mother and sister declared that by asking questions, it would make the woman feel uncomfortable.  They decided for her how she'd feel.  How inappropriate.  The truth is, they would have felt uncomfortable for fear of offending the woman.  I had an intuition that it would not offend her, and that she would be happy to answer their questions and put the boys at ease.  She even tried to pick up one of my sons, and he wouldn't let her.  When that happened, she said that she thought he was afraid because of her arm.  Well, DUH!  This is exactly why an open dialogue would be exactly what was needed.  At that point my sister said that now he could ask questions.  Well, I was just so pissed off at that point.  I wasn't about to confuse my son further by now telling him he could ask questions.  Honestly.  I was so pissed.

My sister likes to think she 'knows it all' and gives me attitude whenever my opinion differs with her 'obviously superior, well informed' opinion.  Pffffft.

Well, instead of letting the honesty flow, it was bottled up, and felt awkward.

I don't know why I let my mother and sister tell me how to parent my children.  I should have just left, if they didn't like my opinion.  Now my sons have mixed messages about how to deal with people with physical disabilities.  Worst of all, I am frustrated with myself for not standing up for my opinion.  I didn't retreat fully, but I let them win.  I can feel the toxicity in my body from not honouring what I knew was right.  I hate that feeling.

How can I choose to honour myself going forward?  To speak my truth, and not let someone else speak for me.  To simply leave the situation if it is uncomfortable for me, even if that upsets my family.  That would be very difficult for me at the time, but I'd feel better in the end for honouring myself.

The power of silence

Sometimes, saying nothing says a whole lot!

I'm enjoying my absolute silence in reply to a couple of emails from my ex.  I would not normally ignore an email, and that makes the silence all the more powerful.  In his second email to me, he was using all caps, for emphasis.  I'm sure he thought that would garner a reply, but alas, it has not.

Now, I do have a reply in the works, but it will be significantly delayed.  Partly because I'm just not up to writing the reply yet.  I plan to give him a good tongue licking when I do.  Engaging in conflict goes against my grain, but he deserves it.  He is a pathetic excuse for a father.  Hot and then cold, hot and then cold.  It's really messing with my boys' heads.  How dare he think he can show up in their lives on a regular basis and then disappear without a trace.  He's bleeping nuts.  I can't not saying anything.  This deserves a terse reply.

However, I'm just biding my time, and will do so when the mood strikes me.  In the meantime, I'm sure my silence is perplexing for him, and I am enjoying being a wild card.  He is passing messages to our children through email, through me, and I think that's disgusting.  He needs to find a way to pay for a phone call, to explain himself to the boys himself.  I shouldn't have to do that for him.  My silence does not give him the satisfaction of knowing whether I passed along his message or not.

I did.... but he doesn't know that.

And that is the power of silence!

Full of gratitude

Oh, what a difference a month can make!  Here we are in October already.  September flew by.

I am so grateful that my little munchkins are doing so well at school, overall.  There have been some bumps in the road, but basically we're on the right track!  I am also grateful for the smooth morning routine we have going on.  The boys wake up on their own, well rested at 7 am or earlier, and we are safely out the door by 8:15 am.  It just works.  The big key there is making lunches the night before, which I still need to get to tonight....

The program I am coordinating is going so well also.  I'm so happy to be able to make it fly!

My counselling sessions are going well too.  I would've never guessed that I would get in the groove so well with this counselor, and I'm so glad for her support.

I have an 'angel' in my life, truly a gift, who is my spiritual role model.  She has adopted my sons and I into her heart and holds us close.  I know she prays for us often, and she is so thoughtful.  I just love her to pieces!

I thank my adopted 'sister' for her help with getting disciple on track with my boys.  I would be so lost without her help!  She has set me up for a lot of parenting success, and I really needed that boost.  God bless her.

Next weekend is Thanksgiving already.  Unreal!!  I guess I'm getting my 'thankful list' ready early.  I'm also thankful that I'm in this program to help me find some direction with my career.  I thought maybe I didn't need any help, but I soooooo do.  I do so much better with someone there to guide me and hold my hand.  I'm getting lots of that.  That's a good thing.

The only thorn in the mix is the pathetic excuse for a father that my ex is being lately.  He is totally ignoring his children, just because his own life is falling apart and he's too proud to ask for help.  He goes through this cycle of falling apart and rebuilding over and over again, and it's painful for the boys to be cut out of his life unexpectedly, so completely.  It's affecting my oldest son the worst, and he's taking it out on the other boys in his class, unfortunately.  I am hoping to get him some help soon.

Life is busy, and life is good.  Keep those happy pills coming, they're working their magic!!