Santa, you're pissing me off!!!
I really resent how much my children adore Santa. They are totally fixated on this vision of some man who is going to magically deliver them presents on Christmas Eve. They don't give much thought to all the gifts that their grandparents and aunt and uncle give them every year, no! It's all about Santa. What is Santa going to bring? What if Santa gets sick, will he still bring us presents? etc. etc....
I just HATE how totally materialistic society is, and my sons totally play into it all. Santa is just a big fat excuse for people to overspend on Christmas. Not only do you have to buy gifts with YOUR name on it, you also have to buy gifts with HIS name on it. It's such a big fat LIE. I really hate perpetuating this stupid lie. And, I feel totally pressured into doing so. My family would think I was the worst mother in the world if I burst the stupid Santa bubble. But it's not about the "magic" and "wonder" of Christmas. It's just about how many friggin TOYS can one child get in one day. It's all about the toys. Santa should be called, "Show Me The Money, Mom".... just give me as much crap as I want, and then some. That's what my kids want. I'm pretty sure that's what every kid wants.
My kids are so materialistic, they think that THEY should receive gifts on EVERYONE else's birthday. They think that they should receive a gift EVERY friggin DAY! Yes, really. They honestly do.
Well, mostly it's my oldest son. He's the instigator, and the youngest just follows his lead.
And then, I feel guilty because I can't provide them with every thing they could possibly want. And that's just ridiculous I feel like I need to maintain this image of a very generous Santa, even though it's beyond my means. If they knew the gifts were just from ME, I could explain that I can't afford any more. But how can I explain that SANTA, this magical fictitious character that has magical fictitious elves manufacturing anything and everything that little girls and boys could ever wish or dream of, well how can I explain that HE lives in poverty and can't afford all the crap they would like. He's supposedly magical! He doesn't even need money to provide gifts!
If ONLY...........
I actually like the ideal of a traditional Christmas, a faith-based Christmas, with more emphasis on the Nativity than on the Jolly Old Elf.
I would even abolish all images of Santa from our home if it would help. But it wouldn't.
Oh!!!!!!!! Save me from this most ridiculous of all cultural norms. Save me from consumerism. Somehow let me find a way to make Christmas less about the STUFF under the tree, and more about what really matters, LOVE.
Friday, 25 November 2011
Some people! Pffft!
And by people, I mean my ex.
Yes, he's being the same dominating control monster that he always is, even from 1000s of miles away.
The jerk rotates between being HOT or COOOOLD with the boys, and this is sadly an ongoing cycle in his life that will forever impact the boys' emotional well-being. When he's being taken care of by someone (another woman, or failing that, by his parents), he's all 'Superdaddy", wants to talk to the boys every day. When he's been kicked out on his ass, and he's unable to take care of himself (because he's really just an overgrown child who has never taken responsibility for anything in his life), he's a total loser who drops off the face of the planet and out of the boys' lives for months on end. SERIOUSLY. No exaggeration.
So, he's all hot and heavy with some broad who's been blindsided by him, and he's demanding daily contact with the boys again. I mean, he's not taking no for an answer. He is demanding to know our daily schedule, and wants to know exactly WHEN each and every day we will be available to receive his call. He cannot accept that we might be too busy on a given day to receive his friggin phone call. He was saying all kinds of derogatory bull-shit about me tonight in front of the boys, and I have told him time and time again to NOT expose them to that emotional turmoil. They so don't need his crap, and he should me MAN ENOUGH to address these issues with me personally, when the boys are asleep. But no, he wants them to be emotional pawns in his game to manipulate and control me every single day.
F(*@ NO!
I'm not going to play into his control game. He can just LEAVE A MESSAGE like every other reasonable person does when the person they are calling is not home. People have a life. I have a life. Yes, it revolves solely around my sons and their schedules and their needs, and that is my choice. Well, to be honest, I'd like a little more "ME" time in there somewhere, but basically, yes, I choose to live my life this way. I take a few moments for myself after the kids go to bed at night, and that's about all I get, just like most other parents. That's life for a devoted parent.
I'll agree to receive his calls when we're home. That's fine. I was hoping to limit the contact to a few days a week, but whatever.... if he's going to go ballistic and give the kids a hairy canary every time we're not home, it's just not worth it. WHATEVER. I'll receive his calls when we're home, as long as he doesn't harass the boys about the times when we're not home, and as long as he keeps it all 'nicey nicey' when talking with the boys; no bad mouthing their Mama!!
Yes, he's being the same dominating control monster that he always is, even from 1000s of miles away.
The jerk rotates between being HOT or COOOOLD with the boys, and this is sadly an ongoing cycle in his life that will forever impact the boys' emotional well-being. When he's being taken care of by someone (another woman, or failing that, by his parents), he's all 'Superdaddy", wants to talk to the boys every day. When he's been kicked out on his ass, and he's unable to take care of himself (because he's really just an overgrown child who has never taken responsibility for anything in his life), he's a total loser who drops off the face of the planet and out of the boys' lives for months on end. SERIOUSLY. No exaggeration.
So, he's all hot and heavy with some broad who's been blindsided by him, and he's demanding daily contact with the boys again. I mean, he's not taking no for an answer. He is demanding to know our daily schedule, and wants to know exactly WHEN each and every day we will be available to receive his call. He cannot accept that we might be too busy on a given day to receive his friggin phone call. He was saying all kinds of derogatory bull-shit about me tonight in front of the boys, and I have told him time and time again to NOT expose them to that emotional turmoil. They so don't need his crap, and he should me MAN ENOUGH to address these issues with me personally, when the boys are asleep. But no, he wants them to be emotional pawns in his game to manipulate and control me every single day.
F(*@ NO!
I'm not going to play into his control game. He can just LEAVE A MESSAGE like every other reasonable person does when the person they are calling is not home. People have a life. I have a life. Yes, it revolves solely around my sons and their schedules and their needs, and that is my choice. Well, to be honest, I'd like a little more "ME" time in there somewhere, but basically, yes, I choose to live my life this way. I take a few moments for myself after the kids go to bed at night, and that's about all I get, just like most other parents. That's life for a devoted parent.
I'll agree to receive his calls when we're home. That's fine. I was hoping to limit the contact to a few days a week, but whatever.... if he's going to go ballistic and give the kids a hairy canary every time we're not home, it's just not worth it. WHATEVER. I'll receive his calls when we're home, as long as he doesn't harass the boys about the times when we're not home, and as long as he keeps it all 'nicey nicey' when talking with the boys; no bad mouthing their Mama!!
Thursday, 17 November 2011
The darkness surrounds me
Yes, we've shifted our clocks back an hour, and it gets dark very early now, around 5 pm.
But the darkness has returned in my mind too. I feel depression sinking in deeper.
It's so difficult being a single mother. It's sucks having to deal with my ex again. I have no time to get my house in order, and it's a constant state of chaos. My family loves me, but gives me very little respite care unless I'm having a nervous breakdown. They consider it a burden to look after my children, and they make it very clear that it's not something they are willing to do very often. My family gives me grief about getting help from the community agencies with Christmas presents for my boys. They think we don't need any help. I don't need the guilt. I can't imagine jumping into a full-time job in January, but I may actually be doing just that. I make life so difficult for myself, and by doing so, it only gets harder and harder.
Basically, life sucks... and when I'm feeling down, everything seems wrong. The pile of troubles seems to get bigger and bigger, and it feels like the pile is swallowing me whole.
But the darkness has returned in my mind too. I feel depression sinking in deeper.
It's so difficult being a single mother. It's sucks having to deal with my ex again. I have no time to get my house in order, and it's a constant state of chaos. My family loves me, but gives me very little respite care unless I'm having a nervous breakdown. They consider it a burden to look after my children, and they make it very clear that it's not something they are willing to do very often. My family gives me grief about getting help from the community agencies with Christmas presents for my boys. They think we don't need any help. I don't need the guilt. I can't imagine jumping into a full-time job in January, but I may actually be doing just that. I make life so difficult for myself, and by doing so, it only gets harder and harder.
Basically, life sucks... and when I'm feeling down, everything seems wrong. The pile of troubles seems to get bigger and bigger, and it feels like the pile is swallowing me whole.
Friday, 4 November 2011
Silence is broken
I tried my hand at ripping my ex a new one last weekend, by email. And in response, he promptly set up a video chat program to talk with the boys. How lame is that? If I wouldn't have sent any response to him at all, would he still be sitting in silence? It just boggles my mind that he can get away with not phoning the boys at all for two months and now, the relationship continues with no explanation, nothing. Just life as usual. WTF?
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