So, just an update about 'some people', aka, my ex....
He was all 'in my face' a month ago about wanting to talk to the boys every day, and then about a week later, he dropped off the face of the earth again for another THREE WEEKS. My oldest asked me if he died. Honestly, can you believe that? What child needs to wonder if his parent has died? That's just sick and wrong, especially since it is totally unjustified. What a lame ass the man is.
Then he magically 'appeared' again yesterday, back on the scene. Yep. Just in time for Christmas.
I know the boys love him, and he is messing with their heads in a big way by taking his love away for unexpected periods of weeks or months. He needs to wake up and get a CLUE.
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Silent Night
Okay, I realize my last post was a rant about Santa.... but tonight, I'm grateful for the old man. Thanks to him, my children were sound asleep, without any struggle, by 8:30 pm, knowing they needed to be asleep for Santa to bring them gifts. And now, I get to enjoy the rest of this beautiful Silent Night. That is a miracle, in my books.
So, Santa, you're alright, I guess. I get it, and remember it, a bit. I can remember the excitement of thinking that Santa would come to my house at night, and how much I wanted to fall asleep too. As a parent, I appreciate the ease in the bedtime routine for one night.
Is it worth all the hype and materialism and total diminishment of the True Meaning of Christmas? Nope. But it's good to be a little bit grateful for something that you basically would dismiss in a heartbeat.
So, Santa, you're alright, I guess. I get it, and remember it, a bit. I can remember the excitement of thinking that Santa would come to my house at night, and how much I wanted to fall asleep too. As a parent, I appreciate the ease in the bedtime routine for one night.
Is it worth all the hype and materialism and total diminishment of the True Meaning of Christmas? Nope. But it's good to be a little bit grateful for something that you basically would dismiss in a heartbeat.
Friday, 25 November 2011
My rant about Santa
Santa, you're pissing me off!!!
I really resent how much my children adore Santa. They are totally fixated on this vision of some man who is going to magically deliver them presents on Christmas Eve. They don't give much thought to all the gifts that their grandparents and aunt and uncle give them every year, no! It's all about Santa. What is Santa going to bring? What if Santa gets sick, will he still bring us presents? etc. etc....
I just HATE how totally materialistic society is, and my sons totally play into it all. Santa is just a big fat excuse for people to overspend on Christmas. Not only do you have to buy gifts with YOUR name on it, you also have to buy gifts with HIS name on it. It's such a big fat LIE. I really hate perpetuating this stupid lie. And, I feel totally pressured into doing so. My family would think I was the worst mother in the world if I burst the stupid Santa bubble. But it's not about the "magic" and "wonder" of Christmas. It's just about how many friggin TOYS can one child get in one day. It's all about the toys. Santa should be called, "Show Me The Money, Mom".... just give me as much crap as I want, and then some. That's what my kids want. I'm pretty sure that's what every kid wants.
My kids are so materialistic, they think that THEY should receive gifts on EVERYONE else's birthday. They think that they should receive a gift EVERY friggin DAY! Yes, really. They honestly do.
Well, mostly it's my oldest son. He's the instigator, and the youngest just follows his lead.
And then, I feel guilty because I can't provide them with every thing they could possibly want. And that's just ridiculous I feel like I need to maintain this image of a very generous Santa, even though it's beyond my means. If they knew the gifts were just from ME, I could explain that I can't afford any more. But how can I explain that SANTA, this magical fictitious character that has magical fictitious elves manufacturing anything and everything that little girls and boys could ever wish or dream of, well how can I explain that HE lives in poverty and can't afford all the crap they would like. He's supposedly magical! He doesn't even need money to provide gifts!
If ONLY...........
I actually like the ideal of a traditional Christmas, a faith-based Christmas, with more emphasis on the Nativity than on the Jolly Old Elf.
I would even abolish all images of Santa from our home if it would help. But it wouldn't.
Oh!!!!!!!! Save me from this most ridiculous of all cultural norms. Save me from consumerism. Somehow let me find a way to make Christmas less about the STUFF under the tree, and more about what really matters, LOVE.
I really resent how much my children adore Santa. They are totally fixated on this vision of some man who is going to magically deliver them presents on Christmas Eve. They don't give much thought to all the gifts that their grandparents and aunt and uncle give them every year, no! It's all about Santa. What is Santa going to bring? What if Santa gets sick, will he still bring us presents? etc. etc....
I just HATE how totally materialistic society is, and my sons totally play into it all. Santa is just a big fat excuse for people to overspend on Christmas. Not only do you have to buy gifts with YOUR name on it, you also have to buy gifts with HIS name on it. It's such a big fat LIE. I really hate perpetuating this stupid lie. And, I feel totally pressured into doing so. My family would think I was the worst mother in the world if I burst the stupid Santa bubble. But it's not about the "magic" and "wonder" of Christmas. It's just about how many friggin TOYS can one child get in one day. It's all about the toys. Santa should be called, "Show Me The Money, Mom".... just give me as much crap as I want, and then some. That's what my kids want. I'm pretty sure that's what every kid wants.
My kids are so materialistic, they think that THEY should receive gifts on EVERYONE else's birthday. They think that they should receive a gift EVERY friggin DAY! Yes, really. They honestly do.
Well, mostly it's my oldest son. He's the instigator, and the youngest just follows his lead.
And then, I feel guilty because I can't provide them with every thing they could possibly want. And that's just ridiculous I feel like I need to maintain this image of a very generous Santa, even though it's beyond my means. If they knew the gifts were just from ME, I could explain that I can't afford any more. But how can I explain that SANTA, this magical fictitious character that has magical fictitious elves manufacturing anything and everything that little girls and boys could ever wish or dream of, well how can I explain that HE lives in poverty and can't afford all the crap they would like. He's supposedly magical! He doesn't even need money to provide gifts!
If ONLY...........
I actually like the ideal of a traditional Christmas, a faith-based Christmas, with more emphasis on the Nativity than on the Jolly Old Elf.
I would even abolish all images of Santa from our home if it would help. But it wouldn't.
Oh!!!!!!!! Save me from this most ridiculous of all cultural norms. Save me from consumerism. Somehow let me find a way to make Christmas less about the STUFF under the tree, and more about what really matters, LOVE.
Some people! Pffft!
And by people, I mean my ex.
Yes, he's being the same dominating control monster that he always is, even from 1000s of miles away.
The jerk rotates between being HOT or COOOOLD with the boys, and this is sadly an ongoing cycle in his life that will forever impact the boys' emotional well-being. When he's being taken care of by someone (another woman, or failing that, by his parents), he's all 'Superdaddy", wants to talk to the boys every day. When he's been kicked out on his ass, and he's unable to take care of himself (because he's really just an overgrown child who has never taken responsibility for anything in his life), he's a total loser who drops off the face of the planet and out of the boys' lives for months on end. SERIOUSLY. No exaggeration.
So, he's all hot and heavy with some broad who's been blindsided by him, and he's demanding daily contact with the boys again. I mean, he's not taking no for an answer. He is demanding to know our daily schedule, and wants to know exactly WHEN each and every day we will be available to receive his call. He cannot accept that we might be too busy on a given day to receive his friggin phone call. He was saying all kinds of derogatory bull-shit about me tonight in front of the boys, and I have told him time and time again to NOT expose them to that emotional turmoil. They so don't need his crap, and he should me MAN ENOUGH to address these issues with me personally, when the boys are asleep. But no, he wants them to be emotional pawns in his game to manipulate and control me every single day.
F(*@ NO!
I'm not going to play into his control game. He can just LEAVE A MESSAGE like every other reasonable person does when the person they are calling is not home. People have a life. I have a life. Yes, it revolves solely around my sons and their schedules and their needs, and that is my choice. Well, to be honest, I'd like a little more "ME" time in there somewhere, but basically, yes, I choose to live my life this way. I take a few moments for myself after the kids go to bed at night, and that's about all I get, just like most other parents. That's life for a devoted parent.
I'll agree to receive his calls when we're home. That's fine. I was hoping to limit the contact to a few days a week, but whatever.... if he's going to go ballistic and give the kids a hairy canary every time we're not home, it's just not worth it. WHATEVER. I'll receive his calls when we're home, as long as he doesn't harass the boys about the times when we're not home, and as long as he keeps it all 'nicey nicey' when talking with the boys; no bad mouthing their Mama!!
Yes, he's being the same dominating control monster that he always is, even from 1000s of miles away.
The jerk rotates between being HOT or COOOOLD with the boys, and this is sadly an ongoing cycle in his life that will forever impact the boys' emotional well-being. When he's being taken care of by someone (another woman, or failing that, by his parents), he's all 'Superdaddy", wants to talk to the boys every day. When he's been kicked out on his ass, and he's unable to take care of himself (because he's really just an overgrown child who has never taken responsibility for anything in his life), he's a total loser who drops off the face of the planet and out of the boys' lives for months on end. SERIOUSLY. No exaggeration.
So, he's all hot and heavy with some broad who's been blindsided by him, and he's demanding daily contact with the boys again. I mean, he's not taking no for an answer. He is demanding to know our daily schedule, and wants to know exactly WHEN each and every day we will be available to receive his call. He cannot accept that we might be too busy on a given day to receive his friggin phone call. He was saying all kinds of derogatory bull-shit about me tonight in front of the boys, and I have told him time and time again to NOT expose them to that emotional turmoil. They so don't need his crap, and he should me MAN ENOUGH to address these issues with me personally, when the boys are asleep. But no, he wants them to be emotional pawns in his game to manipulate and control me every single day.
F(*@ NO!
I'm not going to play into his control game. He can just LEAVE A MESSAGE like every other reasonable person does when the person they are calling is not home. People have a life. I have a life. Yes, it revolves solely around my sons and their schedules and their needs, and that is my choice. Well, to be honest, I'd like a little more "ME" time in there somewhere, but basically, yes, I choose to live my life this way. I take a few moments for myself after the kids go to bed at night, and that's about all I get, just like most other parents. That's life for a devoted parent.
I'll agree to receive his calls when we're home. That's fine. I was hoping to limit the contact to a few days a week, but whatever.... if he's going to go ballistic and give the kids a hairy canary every time we're not home, it's just not worth it. WHATEVER. I'll receive his calls when we're home, as long as he doesn't harass the boys about the times when we're not home, and as long as he keeps it all 'nicey nicey' when talking with the boys; no bad mouthing their Mama!!
Thursday, 17 November 2011
The darkness surrounds me
Yes, we've shifted our clocks back an hour, and it gets dark very early now, around 5 pm.
But the darkness has returned in my mind too. I feel depression sinking in deeper.
It's so difficult being a single mother. It's sucks having to deal with my ex again. I have no time to get my house in order, and it's a constant state of chaos. My family loves me, but gives me very little respite care unless I'm having a nervous breakdown. They consider it a burden to look after my children, and they make it very clear that it's not something they are willing to do very often. My family gives me grief about getting help from the community agencies with Christmas presents for my boys. They think we don't need any help. I don't need the guilt. I can't imagine jumping into a full-time job in January, but I may actually be doing just that. I make life so difficult for myself, and by doing so, it only gets harder and harder.
Basically, life sucks... and when I'm feeling down, everything seems wrong. The pile of troubles seems to get bigger and bigger, and it feels like the pile is swallowing me whole.
But the darkness has returned in my mind too. I feel depression sinking in deeper.
It's so difficult being a single mother. It's sucks having to deal with my ex again. I have no time to get my house in order, and it's a constant state of chaos. My family loves me, but gives me very little respite care unless I'm having a nervous breakdown. They consider it a burden to look after my children, and they make it very clear that it's not something they are willing to do very often. My family gives me grief about getting help from the community agencies with Christmas presents for my boys. They think we don't need any help. I don't need the guilt. I can't imagine jumping into a full-time job in January, but I may actually be doing just that. I make life so difficult for myself, and by doing so, it only gets harder and harder.
Basically, life sucks... and when I'm feeling down, everything seems wrong. The pile of troubles seems to get bigger and bigger, and it feels like the pile is swallowing me whole.
Friday, 4 November 2011
Silence is broken
I tried my hand at ripping my ex a new one last weekend, by email. And in response, he promptly set up a video chat program to talk with the boys. How lame is that? If I wouldn't have sent any response to him at all, would he still be sitting in silence? It just boggles my mind that he can get away with not phoning the boys at all for two months and now, the relationship continues with no explanation, nothing. Just life as usual. WTF?
Saturday, 22 October 2011
To say, or not to say?
That is the question.
Today, my parents invited us to come to a gathering with a distant relative. This woman was born with a deformed arm. It is fully mobile and functional, but ends just past the elbow. She is a retired teacher, and loves children. I thought it would be very appropriate for my sons to speak to her about her arm, respectfully, rather than pretending to ignore the 'elephant in the room'. I wanted them to feel comfortable to ask a few questions, in their innocence. It would have put them at ease.
But no, that was not "allowed" My mother and sister declared that by asking questions, it would make the woman feel uncomfortable. They decided for her how she'd feel. How inappropriate. The truth is, they would have felt uncomfortable for fear of offending the woman. I had an intuition that it would not offend her, and that she would be happy to answer their questions and put the boys at ease. She even tried to pick up one of my sons, and he wouldn't let her. When that happened, she said that she thought he was afraid because of her arm. Well, DUH! This is exactly why an open dialogue would be exactly what was needed. At that point my sister said that now he could ask questions. Well, I was just so pissed off at that point. I wasn't about to confuse my son further by now telling him he could ask questions. Honestly. I was so pissed.
My sister likes to think she 'knows it all' and gives me attitude whenever my opinion differs with her 'obviously superior, well informed' opinion. Pffffft.
Well, instead of letting the honesty flow, it was bottled up, and felt awkward.
I don't know why I let my mother and sister tell me how to parent my children. I should have just left, if they didn't like my opinion. Now my sons have mixed messages about how to deal with people with physical disabilities. Worst of all, I am frustrated with myself for not standing up for my opinion. I didn't retreat fully, but I let them win. I can feel the toxicity in my body from not honouring what I knew was right. I hate that feeling.
How can I choose to honour myself going forward? To speak my truth, and not let someone else speak for me. To simply leave the situation if it is uncomfortable for me, even if that upsets my family. That would be very difficult for me at the time, but I'd feel better in the end for honouring myself.
Today, my parents invited us to come to a gathering with a distant relative. This woman was born with a deformed arm. It is fully mobile and functional, but ends just past the elbow. She is a retired teacher, and loves children. I thought it would be very appropriate for my sons to speak to her about her arm, respectfully, rather than pretending to ignore the 'elephant in the room'. I wanted them to feel comfortable to ask a few questions, in their innocence. It would have put them at ease.
But no, that was not "allowed" My mother and sister declared that by asking questions, it would make the woman feel uncomfortable. They decided for her how she'd feel. How inappropriate. The truth is, they would have felt uncomfortable for fear of offending the woman. I had an intuition that it would not offend her, and that she would be happy to answer their questions and put the boys at ease. She even tried to pick up one of my sons, and he wouldn't let her. When that happened, she said that she thought he was afraid because of her arm. Well, DUH! This is exactly why an open dialogue would be exactly what was needed. At that point my sister said that now he could ask questions. Well, I was just so pissed off at that point. I wasn't about to confuse my son further by now telling him he could ask questions. Honestly. I was so pissed.
My sister likes to think she 'knows it all' and gives me attitude whenever my opinion differs with her 'obviously superior, well informed' opinion. Pffffft.
Well, instead of letting the honesty flow, it was bottled up, and felt awkward.
I don't know why I let my mother and sister tell me how to parent my children. I should have just left, if they didn't like my opinion. Now my sons have mixed messages about how to deal with people with physical disabilities. Worst of all, I am frustrated with myself for not standing up for my opinion. I didn't retreat fully, but I let them win. I can feel the toxicity in my body from not honouring what I knew was right. I hate that feeling.
How can I choose to honour myself going forward? To speak my truth, and not let someone else speak for me. To simply leave the situation if it is uncomfortable for me, even if that upsets my family. That would be very difficult for me at the time, but I'd feel better in the end for honouring myself.
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