Letting Go (a little bit more)

I am reading about releasing past loves as a key to energizing myself to attract my Big Love.  If my energetic hooks are still tied in some way to my past, then I am not living in the present.  I don't think that I feel particularly angry toward my ex, but there is still a lot of energy tied up there somehow.  The fact that I would still entertain the possibility of "what if" and hope and dream for him to finally wake up and become the man I wish he could be, well.... that just isn't healthy.

I haven't been able to bring myself to serve him divorce papers yet.  Why is that?  I just can't face it yet.  I haven't reconciled myself with being 'divorced', and I am subconsciously still holding on to the idea of my marriage.  I know I'm big on procrastination, but this is more than just procrastination.  It's reluctance.  It's avoidance.  It's denial.

Denial isn't just a river in Africa.

I want to wipe the slate clean.  So let me begin...

Mr. Ex.  I release you from my heart, from my hopes, from my dreams.  I accept that you are who you are, and I acknowledge that you are not the person who I wished you 'could' be.

I am at peace with the sadness I feel in my heart, and I forgive myself for being fixated on you for so long.

I continue to wish the best for you.  I am no longer 'carrying you' in my heart through the ups and downs of your life.  I do not share your pain or your joys.  I am a separate person, solely focused on my own goals and my own happiness.  Whether you are working or not working, happy or depressed, down on your luck 'again' or on the uphill climb, the story is entirely your own.  You are the sole author of your own story, as I am of mine.

As I let you go, I also accept my own reality of being a 'divorced' woman.  I am actually divorced, and the paperwork that follows is just a technicality.  My marriage is to be absolved, as it is no longer valid.  The man who I married was not a husband to me in reality.

I am grateful for the growth and self-knowledge that our relationship has brought me.  I am more aware now of the qualities in my Soulmate.  I am more aware of my inherent self-worth, and more accepting of myself as I am.

The best part of our relationship was our two sons, and I receive so much love from them.  They are a gift from God, and you were part of their creation.  I couldn't have done it without you.

As hard and as painful as it is to close the chapter, I am letting you go for good.  You are not on my radar screen anymore.  You are part of my past, and remain in my present as the father of our children.  I surrender my own personal ties to you, and fully acknowledge that our marriage is 100% over.

In saying Goodbye, I retain all that was Mine, and none of that which is Yours.

Goodbye, Mr. Ex.

Hello Happiness

I saw my doctor this week, and started meds for depression called Cipralex.  I think it's going to do me a world of good.  I already feel better, and it's only been 2 days.  How is that possible?!?  I don't know, but even if it's a placebo effect, I'm glad I feel better.

I feel like my head is clearer.  I'm usually so easily distracted, and lose my train of thought easily.  I've been able to focus well and follow through on some things that I have wanted to get done.... things as mundane as laundry, but I haven't been able to summon the will to do so this week, until today.

It's the start of a new chapter!

Two weeks left

Only two more weeks of summer vacation, and then the kids go back to school.  This is the first year for my youngest!  I can't believe it.  I am so going to bawl my eyes out when I drop him off at school the first time!

In the meantime, we have another birthday to celebrate.  My youngest is turning 4.  I'm going to start making his pinata this week, as it takes so long to dry between coats of paper mache.  It's a new tradition that I've started this year, which is something my mom did for my sister and I when we were little.

In three more weeks, I start school too!  It's a 3 month program at college, to help me figure out which direction I want to go with my career now that the boys are both in school.  I am open to something new, and want to find a career that will really match my values, interests and abilities.  However, I don't know what that might be!  Hence, the program.... high hopes for this program!

So, time to soak up the last bit of summer while it lasts!  And also, time to kick some more butt around the house to get things as organized as possible before time runs out.

Kitchen.... check!

This entire day, I was completely on target.  It was a huge task, and I really nailed it.  I cleaned and organized my whole kitchen, including the cupboards, and the huge pile of crap (including some rotting potatoes) that had accumulated on the floor.  Yay!  I am so happy with it.  I even took a magic eraser to the walls, the flow hood, and the stove top.  I scrubbed the floors too.  I mean, I nailed it!  I didn't do much of anything else.  It took a looooong time.  And yet, I was able to focus to get it done.

The boys were great at entertaining themselves today, and they were not overly whiny, which was a JOY.  I have been very sensitive to their whining lately.  It makes me want to collapse into a coma... it's not good.  But I've been cutting back my caffeine intake, so maybe that has helped too.  First I went off tea, cold turkey, and surprise, I had headaches from that and felt awful.  Now I'm drinking one or two very weak cups of tea, that only brews for 1 minute, and it seems perfect.  It may be the 'placebo effect', or it may be just the right amount of caffeine to alleviate headaches but not exacerbate the anxiety level.

This week I also took some time (too late at night!) to go through some old emails from 2007.  In particular, I was interested in the ones my ex sent to me.  I would send him a couple of paragraphs of my thoughts each day, and he'd reply with one-liners.  It really captured our whole relationship.  He didn't acknowledge much of what I thought or felt, ever.  He never wanted me to ask for his help.  He was very creative at dodging those requests.  And I was on his case over and over again to deal with an issue that was very important, but he simply didn't want to deal with.  He was also very creative at stalling that issue.  I can't believe I put up with him for so long.

Well, on that happy note...  Perhaps I'll refocus my energy by thinking about what I'm grateful for today!

1. My children.
2. My parents.
3. My sister.
4. My dear friends, both old and new.
5. That I had the courage to say "enough" and start again.
6. My spirituality and growing to love myself more each day.
7. Sticking with my vision of being a stay-at-home mom, until my kids start school.
8. The beautiful summer weather.
9. For the grace to know that I am loved, no matter what, and held in the arms of God.

Get in the game

Some days, like today, I feel like I am able to actually accomplish everything that I set out for the day.  I made fun plans, and moved through the day effortlessly.  We went to the beach, and then had a playdate, and then went to a neighbourhood party at a splash pad and made new friends there.  It was a day of being active, being outdoors, spending time with others, feeling connected to the great heartbeat of the world.  Feeling in the zone.

Oh, how I wish I felt this way every day.

I've had a lot of highs and lows lately, or maybe I'm just becoming more aware of them, and they are not really anything unusual.

This fall, I'm going to be the coordinator for a weekly children's program, which is something new for me.  I'm not used to being in leadership roles.  I need to really get my head in the game, to make this happen!  I am a chronic procrastinator.  I have good people helping me, though, so I know I can lean on them when I need to.  Delegating is a sign of a good leader, right?!

Scratch that... I just remembered that I was the leader of the yearbook club in high school.  I kinda sucked at that.  My sister and best friend essentially took over the role for me.  However, that was a long time ago.  My past performance does not dictate the present.  We are all new in each moment, and can make different choices.  If I believe I can do it, then I can.

So, this is me, cheering me on!  Go, me!

My therapy went bust

I had a fantastic couple of days of blazing through my apartment with a vengenace.  Then I dropped and crashed.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I had a blitz, and now I'm blitzed out.  I can't explain it.  Perhaps I was motivated by the energy of the full moon (in Aquarius, if that is significant).  But I am just not feeling it anymore.  I sooooo wish I was.  I've decided I'm going to speak to my doctor about this.  I think it may be time to call in the big guns.... meds.  I've never tried antidepressants before, but I have enough anxiety and lack of ability to focus to warrant it, I think.  I so wish I could focus on a task and stick with it.  That would be great.  It did feel great while it lasted.... but it never does last.  In fact, I think I can remember another 'blitz' that correlated with a full moon.... so maybe there is something to that.

Well, this feeling is pretty crappy, and I need to find my zen again.  Blahhhhhhhhhhhh.... crappy.

De-cluttering is my therapy!

I've had a great day!  I unloaded at least 10 garbage bags worth of stuff, and it feels fantastic.  I begged my sister to look after the boys today while I got down to business.  I worked furiously, and got so much done.  What a great, amazing, euphoric feeling.  This is the cure to the small apartment blues.  This is what I need to do to change my life.  I was listening to Arielle Ford, author of the Soulmate Secret, and she reminded me how important it is to let go of the past, to let go of any physical, emotional and psychic energy that ties you to past loves.  I did some of that today.  I need to physically free up space in my home for a new love, also.  There is barely enough room for the boys and I here now.  It's too crowded in here to have any company over.  That is beginning to change, though!  The tides have shifted.  I can feel it.  I am going to max out the rest of this month to do all I can in this positive direction.  Carpe Diem!

Looking back to reclaim the past in a new way

Ever since I have been separated, whenever I would look at pictures of my boys from our old home (before the separation) I would feel extremely sad and a wee bit depressed.  I haven't yet been able to reconcile the two parts of my life as a mother together.  I have moved on, without looking back.  The only way I could move on was to keep my eyes on the road ahead of me, so to speak, and to not allow myself to look back.  Well, eventually, I'm not going to be able to avoid looking back.  Eventually, the boys will want to look at photos of them as a baby.  I need to deal with these feelings.

Tonight I looked back at about 3 1/2 years worth of photos that I have on my Facebook page, and I finally decided to delete all of the pictures containing my ex.  Why?  Well, it's about damn time, that's why!  I never looked back at those old pictures, so it didn't bother me that they were there.  And, part of me felt that it was part of the story, so why delete them.  But now, I want to reclaim part of that past that is exclusively mine.  I want to be able to look back at the pictures, from before my separation, and be able to connect with them from the here-and-now, with joy.  I cannot allow myself to live with regret and disappointment about the past!  What's done is done.  It may be sad, yes.  But there is still so much joy, of motherhood, that I need to reclaim and carry forward with me.  My history as a mother did not start 2 1/2 years ago, so why should I only allow myself to live with those memories.  The memories of the entire time of motherhood are so precious, and I can allow myself to enjoy and cherish them all.  Yes, "he" was still in the picture then too, but I'm not ready or able to reconcile with that fully yet.  I can first allow all the memories about myself and my children resurface in my head, and then maybe I'll be able to process it all...... eventually.

Hello Loneliness

For so long, I have been entirely focused on recovering from my marital break-up, and haven't even considered a new relationship.  It's been two-and-a-half years!  I'm just crazy busy all the time taking care of my two young boys, 24/7.  The thought of dating again scares me, frankly.  I don't want to be taken for a ride again.  I want to believe that I will manifest a quality relationship with an honest, loving, open, available, affectionate, spiritual man, when I am ready to do so.  However, I don't feel ready to do so yet.

Or am I?

I just felt the "ping" of loneliness grab me today, and I felt crushed under its sudden arrival.  I had just spent part of the afternoon on a hike with my dear friend and her new love.  Why am I feeling this pain, this heaviness in my chest, this aching pain?  I can only imagine that my body is starting to turn toward thoughts of finding love again.  While this thought terrifies me, I want to let myself actually feel this loneliness and not try to numb it.  I want to open myself up to it, and learn the lesson that it is teaching me.

I'm sure the aching pain at the misery that was my marriage, with the wound being torn open again recently, has something to do with this also.  I can't have my ex-husband back in my life again, because he is a toxic leech, a vampire really, and he has not changed.  I can never, ever, ever be married to that man again.  He is so bad for me.  However, by acknowledging that, and yes, still wishing that reality was not true and my ex could somehow transform into a decent human being, well.... that's made the wound all fresh and new again.  It is a deep wound, and I think I've been numb toward it for most of the time we've been apart.  But it's still there.  I still need to heal that wound.  I can't move on until I do.

My heart is telling me that I want to find that special someone.  I want to share my life with my true soulmate. I have read Arielle Ford's book, The Soulmate Secret, and I think perhaps it's time to re-read it and begin to actually do the exercises.  One of which is to cut the emotional ties to your past.  Well, DUH!  Of course... but how exactly do I do that?  I suppose I can acknowledge that I've done some work on that already, but I need to look into that wound and be really honest with myself.  I need to console myself for the loss of the person who I wish my ex was and who I wish he could be.  I need to grieve the dream that died two-and-a-half years ago.  I need to grieve for my children's dream that can never come true, of living with both of their parents every day.  That can never, ever be.  I can't even allow myself to entertain the possibility of reconciliation.  It just simply cannot be.  No, No, No!!  Even if the boys beg me every day, plead with me, cry with me, I need to be honest with myself and with them.  It's not ever going to happen.  I need to deal with the huge guilt I feel because of that fact.  I need to release the guilt, give it up to God, and finally be free.

"I am a good housekeeper, I am tidy and neat!"

Sound like an affirmation?  Well, it is.  I know that I am what I think about all day long.  This is a lesson I've been reading about for years now, and have actually described in detail to my friend this week who really needs to believe in herself.  I desperately need to apply this in my own life, more consistently.

I want to create a comfortable home for myself, with a place for everything and everything in its place (more or less).  I understand that it will take a lot of work to accomplish this, but I need to believe in myself and to know that it will happen, in small increments, day by day, if I keep at it.  I need to keep at it!!  This sounds simple, but it's so easy to get distracted, and to feel overwhelmed and give up.  I have been 'ignoring' this problem for most of my life, and have always held a negative self-label about myself because of it.  If I can believe that I am not a slob, I am not a hoarder, I am not incapable of maintaining a tidy home, then I can actually begin to change.

Hence the positive affirmation.  Yes, I am a student of Louise Hay and Dr. Wayne Dyer.  I am completely convinced that this works (in general).  If it works, then it will work for me.

I need to start proving this new self-identity to myself by actually being 'tidy and neat' in some small way, every day.  By cleaning my dishes every night, and by tackling a bit of the clutter every day.  It seems fruitless, in a way, because dirty dishes and new clutter (mail, children's school work, etc.) arrive every day.  I really need to be doing more than just keep up with the daily dishes and clutter... but if I could just do a tiny bit extra every day, even for just 15 minutes (this is a FlyLady philosophy; you can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes!), then yes, it will actually get me ahead in this game.

And so, off I go!  Think it, and be it.  Miss Tidy is on the job!