Hello Loneliness

For so long, I have been entirely focused on recovering from my marital break-up, and haven't even considered a new relationship.  It's been two-and-a-half years!  I'm just crazy busy all the time taking care of my two young boys, 24/7.  The thought of dating again scares me, frankly.  I don't want to be taken for a ride again.  I want to believe that I will manifest a quality relationship with an honest, loving, open, available, affectionate, spiritual man, when I am ready to do so.  However, I don't feel ready to do so yet.

Or am I?

I just felt the "ping" of loneliness grab me today, and I felt crushed under its sudden arrival.  I had just spent part of the afternoon on a hike with my dear friend and her new love.  Why am I feeling this pain, this heaviness in my chest, this aching pain?  I can only imagine that my body is starting to turn toward thoughts of finding love again.  While this thought terrifies me, I want to let myself actually feel this loneliness and not try to numb it.  I want to open myself up to it, and learn the lesson that it is teaching me.

I'm sure the aching pain at the misery that was my marriage, with the wound being torn open again recently, has something to do with this also.  I can't have my ex-husband back in my life again, because he is a toxic leech, a vampire really, and he has not changed.  I can never, ever, ever be married to that man again.  He is so bad for me.  However, by acknowledging that, and yes, still wishing that reality was not true and my ex could somehow transform into a decent human being, well.... that's made the wound all fresh and new again.  It is a deep wound, and I think I've been numb toward it for most of the time we've been apart.  But it's still there.  I still need to heal that wound.  I can't move on until I do.

My heart is telling me that I want to find that special someone.  I want to share my life with my true soulmate. I have read Arielle Ford's book, The Soulmate Secret, and I think perhaps it's time to re-read it and begin to actually do the exercises.  One of which is to cut the emotional ties to your past.  Well, DUH!  Of course... but how exactly do I do that?  I suppose I can acknowledge that I've done some work on that already, but I need to look into that wound and be really honest with myself.  I need to console myself for the loss of the person who I wish my ex was and who I wish he could be.  I need to grieve the dream that died two-and-a-half years ago.  I need to grieve for my children's dream that can never come true, of living with both of their parents every day.  That can never, ever be.  I can't even allow myself to entertain the possibility of reconciliation.  It just simply cannot be.  No, No, No!!  Even if the boys beg me every day, plead with me, cry with me, I need to be honest with myself and with them.  It's not ever going to happen.  I need to deal with the huge guilt I feel because of that fact.  I need to release the guilt, give it up to God, and finally be free.