Crazy insanity

So, just an update about 'some people', aka, my ex....

He was all 'in my face' a month ago about wanting to talk to the boys every day, and then about a week later, he dropped off the face of the earth again for another THREE WEEKS.  My oldest asked me if he died.  Honestly, can you believe that?  What child needs to wonder if his parent has died?  That's just sick and wrong, especially since it is totally unjustified.  What a lame ass the man is.

Then he magically 'appeared' again yesterday, back on the scene.  Yep.  Just in time for Christmas.

I know the boys love him, and he is messing with their heads in a big way by taking his love away for unexpected periods of weeks or months.  He needs to wake up and get a CLUE.

Silent Night

Okay, I realize my last post was a rant about Santa.... but tonight, I'm grateful for the old man.  Thanks to him, my children were sound asleep, without any struggle, by 8:30 pm, knowing they needed to be asleep for Santa to bring them gifts.  And now, I get to enjoy the rest of this beautiful Silent Night.  That is a miracle, in my books.

So, Santa, you're alright, I guess.  I get it, and remember it, a bit.  I can remember the excitement of thinking that Santa would come to my house at night, and how much I wanted to fall asleep too.  As a parent, I appreciate the ease in the bedtime routine for one night.

Is it worth all the hype and materialism and total diminishment of the True Meaning of Christmas?  Nope.  But it's good to be a little bit grateful for something that you basically would dismiss in a heartbeat.

My rant about Santa

Santa, you're pissing me off!!!

I really resent how much my children adore Santa.  They are totally fixated on this vision of some man who is going to magically deliver them presents on Christmas Eve.  They don't give much thought to all the gifts that their grandparents and aunt and uncle give them every year, no!  It's all about Santa.  What is Santa going to bring?  What if Santa gets sick, will he still bring us presents?  etc. etc....

I just HATE how totally materialistic society is, and my sons totally play into it all.  Santa is just a big fat excuse for people to overspend on Christmas.  Not only do you have to buy gifts with YOUR name on it, you also have to buy gifts with HIS name on it.  It's such a big fat LIE.  I really hate perpetuating this stupid lie.  And, I feel totally pressured into doing so.  My family would think I was the worst mother in the world if I burst the stupid Santa bubble.  But it's not about the "magic" and "wonder" of Christmas.  It's just about how many friggin TOYS can one child get in one day.  It's all about the toys.  Santa should be called, "Show Me The Money, Mom".... just give me as much crap as I want, and then some.  That's what my kids want.  I'm pretty sure that's what every kid wants.

My kids are so materialistic, they think that THEY should receive gifts on EVERYONE else's birthday.  They think that they should receive a gift EVERY friggin DAY!  Yes, really.  They honestly do.

Well, mostly it's my oldest son.  He's the instigator, and the youngest just follows his lead.

And then, I feel guilty because I can't provide them with every thing they could possibly want.  And that's just ridiculous   I feel like I need to maintain this image of a very generous Santa, even though it's beyond my means.  If they knew the gifts were just from ME, I could explain that I can't afford any more.  But how can I explain that SANTA, this magical fictitious character that has magical fictitious elves manufacturing anything and everything that little girls and boys could ever wish or dream of, well how can I explain that HE lives in poverty and can't afford all the crap they would like.  He's supposedly magical!  He doesn't even need money to provide gifts!

If ONLY...........

I actually like the ideal of a traditional Christmas, a faith-based Christmas, with more emphasis on the Nativity than on the Jolly Old Elf.

I would even abolish all images of Santa from our home if it would help.  But it wouldn't.

Oh!!!!!!!! Save me from this most ridiculous of all cultural norms.  Save me from consumerism.  Somehow let me find a way to make Christmas less about the STUFF under the tree, and more about what really matters, LOVE.

Some people! Pffft!

And by people, I mean my ex.

Yes, he's being the same dominating control monster that he always is, even from 1000s of miles away.

The jerk rotates between being HOT or COOOOLD with the boys, and this is sadly an ongoing cycle in his life that will forever impact the boys' emotional well-being.  When he's being taken care of by someone (another woman, or failing that, by his parents), he's all 'Superdaddy", wants to talk to the boys every day.  When he's been kicked out on his ass, and he's unable to take care of himself (because he's really just an overgrown child who has never taken responsibility for anything in his life), he's a total loser who drops off the face of the planet and out of the boys' lives for months on end.  SERIOUSLY.  No exaggeration.

So, he's all hot and heavy with some broad who's been blindsided by him, and he's demanding daily contact with the boys again.  I mean, he's not taking no for an answer.  He is demanding to know our daily schedule, and wants to know exactly WHEN each and every day we will be available to receive his call.  He cannot accept that we might be too busy on a given day to receive his friggin phone call.  He was saying all kinds of derogatory bull-shit about me tonight in front of the boys, and I have told him time and time again to NOT expose them to that emotional turmoil.  They so don't need his crap, and he should me MAN ENOUGH to address these issues with me personally, when the boys are asleep.  But no, he wants them to be emotional pawns in his game to manipulate and control me every single day.

F(*@ NO!

I'm not going to play into his control game.  He can just LEAVE A MESSAGE like every other reasonable person does when the person they are calling is not home.  People have a life.  I have a life.  Yes, it revolves solely around my sons and their schedules and their needs, and that is my choice.  Well, to be honest, I'd like a little more "ME" time in there somewhere, but basically, yes, I choose to live my life this way.  I take a few moments for myself after the kids go to bed at night, and that's about all I get, just like most other parents.  That's life for a devoted parent.

I'll agree to receive his calls when we're home.  That's fine.  I was hoping to limit the contact to a few days a week, but whatever.... if he's going to go ballistic and give the kids a hairy canary every time we're not home, it's just not worth it.  WHATEVER.  I'll receive his calls when we're home, as long as he doesn't harass the boys about the times when we're not home, and as long as he keeps it all 'nicey nicey' when talking with the boys; no bad mouthing their Mama!!

The darkness surrounds me

Yes, we've shifted our clocks back an hour, and it gets dark very early now, around 5 pm.

But the darkness has returned in my mind too.  I feel depression sinking in deeper.

It's so difficult being a single mother.  It's sucks having to deal with my ex again.  I have no time to get my house in order, and it's a constant state of chaos.  My family loves me, but gives me very little respite care unless I'm having a nervous breakdown.  They consider it a burden to look after my children, and they make it very clear that it's not something they are willing to do very often.  My family gives me grief about getting help from the community agencies with Christmas presents for my boys.  They think we don't need any help.  I don't need the guilt.  I can't imagine jumping into a full-time job in January, but I may actually be doing just that.  I make life so difficult for myself, and by doing so, it only gets harder and harder.

Basically, life sucks... and when I'm feeling down, everything seems wrong.  The pile of troubles seems to get bigger and bigger, and it feels like the pile is swallowing me whole.

Silence is broken

I tried my hand at ripping my ex a new one last weekend, by email.  And in response, he promptly set up a video chat program to talk with the boys.  How lame is that?  If I wouldn't have sent any response to him at all, would he still be sitting in silence?  It just boggles my mind that he can get away with not phoning the boys at all for two months and now, the relationship continues with no explanation, nothing.  Just life as usual.  WTF?

To say, or not to say?

That is the question.

Today, my parents invited us to come to a gathering with a distant relative.  This woman was born with a deformed arm.  It is fully mobile and functional, but ends just past the elbow.  She is a retired teacher, and loves children.  I thought it would be very appropriate for my sons to speak to her about her arm, respectfully, rather than pretending to ignore the 'elephant in the room'.  I wanted them to feel comfortable to ask a few questions, in their innocence.  It would have put them at ease.

But no, that was not "allowed"  My mother and sister declared that by asking questions, it would make the woman feel uncomfortable.  They decided for her how she'd feel.  How inappropriate.  The truth is, they would have felt uncomfortable for fear of offending the woman.  I had an intuition that it would not offend her, and that she would be happy to answer their questions and put the boys at ease.  She even tried to pick up one of my sons, and he wouldn't let her.  When that happened, she said that she thought he was afraid because of her arm.  Well, DUH!  This is exactly why an open dialogue would be exactly what was needed.  At that point my sister said that now he could ask questions.  Well, I was just so pissed off at that point.  I wasn't about to confuse my son further by now telling him he could ask questions.  Honestly.  I was so pissed.

My sister likes to think she 'knows it all' and gives me attitude whenever my opinion differs with her 'obviously superior, well informed' opinion.  Pffffft.

Well, instead of letting the honesty flow, it was bottled up, and felt awkward.

I don't know why I let my mother and sister tell me how to parent my children.  I should have just left, if they didn't like my opinion.  Now my sons have mixed messages about how to deal with people with physical disabilities.  Worst of all, I am frustrated with myself for not standing up for my opinion.  I didn't retreat fully, but I let them win.  I can feel the toxicity in my body from not honouring what I knew was right.  I hate that feeling.

How can I choose to honour myself going forward?  To speak my truth, and not let someone else speak for me.  To simply leave the situation if it is uncomfortable for me, even if that upsets my family.  That would be very difficult for me at the time, but I'd feel better in the end for honouring myself.

The power of silence

Sometimes, saying nothing says a whole lot!

I'm enjoying my absolute silence in reply to a couple of emails from my ex.  I would not normally ignore an email, and that makes the silence all the more powerful.  In his second email to me, he was using all caps, for emphasis.  I'm sure he thought that would garner a reply, but alas, it has not.

Now, I do have a reply in the works, but it will be significantly delayed.  Partly because I'm just not up to writing the reply yet.  I plan to give him a good tongue licking when I do.  Engaging in conflict goes against my grain, but he deserves it.  He is a pathetic excuse for a father.  Hot and then cold, hot and then cold.  It's really messing with my boys' heads.  How dare he think he can show up in their lives on a regular basis and then disappear without a trace.  He's bleeping nuts.  I can't not saying anything.  This deserves a terse reply.

However, I'm just biding my time, and will do so when the mood strikes me.  In the meantime, I'm sure my silence is perplexing for him, and I am enjoying being a wild card.  He is passing messages to our children through email, through me, and I think that's disgusting.  He needs to find a way to pay for a phone call, to explain himself to the boys himself.  I shouldn't have to do that for him.  My silence does not give him the satisfaction of knowing whether I passed along his message or not.

I did.... but he doesn't know that.

And that is the power of silence!

Full of gratitude

Oh, what a difference a month can make!  Here we are in October already.  September flew by.

I am so grateful that my little munchkins are doing so well at school, overall.  There have been some bumps in the road, but basically we're on the right track!  I am also grateful for the smooth morning routine we have going on.  The boys wake up on their own, well rested at 7 am or earlier, and we are safely out the door by 8:15 am.  It just works.  The big key there is making lunches the night before, which I still need to get to tonight....

The program I am coordinating is going so well also.  I'm so happy to be able to make it fly!

My counselling sessions are going well too.  I would've never guessed that I would get in the groove so well with this counselor, and I'm so glad for her support.

I have an 'angel' in my life, truly a gift, who is my spiritual role model.  She has adopted my sons and I into her heart and holds us close.  I know she prays for us often, and she is so thoughtful.  I just love her to pieces!

I thank my adopted 'sister' for her help with getting disciple on track with my boys.  I would be so lost without her help!  She has set me up for a lot of parenting success, and I really needed that boost.  God bless her.

Next weekend is Thanksgiving already.  Unreal!!  I guess I'm getting my 'thankful list' ready early.  I'm also thankful that I'm in this program to help me find some direction with my career.  I thought maybe I didn't need any help, but I soooooo do.  I do so much better with someone there to guide me and hold my hand.  I'm getting lots of that.  That's a good thing.

The only thorn in the mix is the pathetic excuse for a father that my ex is being lately.  He is totally ignoring his children, just because his own life is falling apart and he's too proud to ask for help.  He goes through this cycle of falling apart and rebuilding over and over again, and it's painful for the boys to be cut out of his life unexpectedly, so completely.  It's affecting my oldest son the worst, and he's taking it out on the other boys in his class, unfortunately.  I am hoping to get him some help soon.

Life is busy, and life is good.  Keep those happy pills coming, they're working their magic!!

Working it some more! And having fun!

Oh yes, life is good.  I had another evening of doing my thing at another school's Open House, promoting the program that I volunteer with.  It's really coming together!  We have more volunteers, which we desperately needed.  It is just, oh, so good.

I also had lunch today with one of my most joyful friends.  She always sees a silver lining in life, and doesn't let nothing get her down.  It's very inspiring.  (Incidentally, she and her husband celebrated their 19th wedding anniversary this year.  They are a great couple.)  We had Arabic food, a first for both of us.  I ordered chicken shwarma, with fattoush salad, the best hummous I've ever had, delightful pita, yummy rice, and red cabbage.  Yum!!  Now that all of our kiddies are in school full-time, and I had a day 'off', we were able to spend time together, just the two of us.  Usually we would have our kids in tow.  It was a delightful time.

Overall, I'd have to say that this new medicine I'm taking is really, really helping me to chill out and stress less.  That's such a wonderful feeling.  I would have been feeling very guilty for taking time for pleasure instead of doing housework and downsizing my piles of useless crap... but no, I'm pretty much okay with taking time for me today.  The crap will always be here, either more or less of it, and I've come to accept that.  I will work at it, when I can, and in the meantime we will live happily together, my crap and I.

The medicine is also helping me to deal with the occasional meltdown that happens (when my boys don't get their way).  An explosion of negative energy would usually send me spiraling downhill, into a type of panic attack, where I feel physically ill, and am shaking.  Not this week.  I survived the meltdown unscathed.  It was a clearly identifiable improvement.

Other delightful things I'm doing this week include donating blood (my 2nd time, I'm very happy that I can be a blessing for someone else in this capacity), going to weekday mass once (what a great way to start the day!), and spending time resting when my body needs it.

That is what matters to me most.  No need to feel guilty about taking care of those things that matter most.  That's exactly how it should be.  I trust that everything else will fall into place, when I spend my time and energy on that which feeds my soul.

Working a crowd

It's been a long time since I've been out in the community, interacting with others and making connections.  I did that tonight!  It feels great!  I made up a presentation board for the children's group I volunteer with, and I handed out bookmarks to kids at a school Open House night.  I spoke to some of the moms about helping us as a volunteer, and some said yes.  Yay!  I also noticed how many hot young male teachers there were on staff at this school.  Yowza!  I mean, they could have been former Chippendales.  Totally.  Hot.

This is one of the very few evenings I have been out of the house at the boys' bedtime.  And amazingly, when I came home, they were fast asleep!  Yay for my Mom, who was looking after the boys.  She rocks.

I'm so excited about being the co-ordinator for this program, and having responsibilities, and working with the other volunteer who is equally enthusiastic, bouncing ideas off each other.  It's fantastic!  This is what I've missed while being a stay-at-home single mom.  I'm so glad for this opportunity to experience a change of pace.

Smooth start to the year

So far so good!  The oldest has been great with going to school this year.  There were lots of tears last year, but this year, he's proud to be one of the 'big boys' in the next grade, and he's already established friendships from last year, so he's cruising.  It's great to see.

Tomorrow is the big day for my youngest!  It's his first full day of school.  I can't believe it!  I wonder how he'll be in the morning.  Is he going to be a brave soul and march off to his classroom with his head held high, or will he go in kicking and screaming and trying to follow me out the door?  Only time will tell!  And, will the teacher have to call me in the middle of the day to come and pick him up?  Could happen!  Anything could happen.

I hope it's going to be a good day, and that the smooth start continues it's trend throughout the week.

All wound up

Here I am, after the first day of school, and I feel like my head is spinning.  I'm not even the student!

My two boys both met their new teachers today, and I was just a ball of anxiety getting them ready.  We were all ready in record time this morning, and I swear we were the first family that arrived at school.  Crazy!!  I can't be that organized all the time.  Do you know how difficult that was for me?  Incredibly!!  Now I feel like I need a weekend to recover, but it's only Tuesday.  Sigh....

I was so proud of my oldest!  He was excited to see his friends again, and thank goodness his best buddy was still in his class this year.  I know that made it a lot easier for him to transition back.

The youngest went for his first classroom visit, and his first full day is later this week.  I'm sure that will be an emotional day for me!  I'm just not psychologically ready to see him 'go'.... and I'm terribly worried that he may not be ready.  In many ways he is ready, but it still might not work out for him.  Time will tell.  I'm just a mess!! I am worried about how he's going to manage with changing his shoes, getting his jacket on and off, etc.  I think he's emotionally ready, and he'll do fine with the activities I'm sure.  It's all the little things, the being independent, without having me there to help with whatever he needs.  I'm not good at creating independence in my sons.  I hope he learns quick 'on the job', out of necessity.  Sink or swim time!

And then my other worry is that I'm completely, flat broke.  Like, seriously.  No kidding.  I am so bad at managing money.  Usually I just get lucky, and somehow it all works out.  But not this month.  So, I'm doing what I can to make sure I survive.  I've got two weeks until more money arrives.  Time to get creative.  Explore my options.  Make it work.  Somehow.

Basically dude, I just need to CHILL.

Letting Go (a little bit more)

I am reading about releasing past loves as a key to energizing myself to attract my Big Love.  If my energetic hooks are still tied in some way to my past, then I am not living in the present.  I don't think that I feel particularly angry toward my ex, but there is still a lot of energy tied up there somehow.  The fact that I would still entertain the possibility of "what if" and hope and dream for him to finally wake up and become the man I wish he could be, well.... that just isn't healthy.

I haven't been able to bring myself to serve him divorce papers yet.  Why is that?  I just can't face it yet.  I haven't reconciled myself with being 'divorced', and I am subconsciously still holding on to the idea of my marriage.  I know I'm big on procrastination, but this is more than just procrastination.  It's reluctance.  It's avoidance.  It's denial.

Denial isn't just a river in Africa.

I want to wipe the slate clean.  So let me begin...

Mr. Ex.  I release you from my heart, from my hopes, from my dreams.  I accept that you are who you are, and I acknowledge that you are not the person who I wished you 'could' be.

I am at peace with the sadness I feel in my heart, and I forgive myself for being fixated on you for so long.

I continue to wish the best for you.  I am no longer 'carrying you' in my heart through the ups and downs of your life.  I do not share your pain or your joys.  I am a separate person, solely focused on my own goals and my own happiness.  Whether you are working or not working, happy or depressed, down on your luck 'again' or on the uphill climb, the story is entirely your own.  You are the sole author of your own story, as I am of mine.

As I let you go, I also accept my own reality of being a 'divorced' woman.  I am actually divorced, and the paperwork that follows is just a technicality.  My marriage is to be absolved, as it is no longer valid.  The man who I married was not a husband to me in reality.

I am grateful for the growth and self-knowledge that our relationship has brought me.  I am more aware now of the qualities in my Soulmate.  I am more aware of my inherent self-worth, and more accepting of myself as I am.

The best part of our relationship was our two sons, and I receive so much love from them.  They are a gift from God, and you were part of their creation.  I couldn't have done it without you.

As hard and as painful as it is to close the chapter, I am letting you go for good.  You are not on my radar screen anymore.  You are part of my past, and remain in my present as the father of our children.  I surrender my own personal ties to you, and fully acknowledge that our marriage is 100% over.

In saying Goodbye, I retain all that was Mine, and none of that which is Yours.

Goodbye, Mr. Ex.

Hello Happiness

I saw my doctor this week, and started meds for depression called Cipralex.  I think it's going to do me a world of good.  I already feel better, and it's only been 2 days.  How is that possible?!?  I don't know, but even if it's a placebo effect, I'm glad I feel better.

I feel like my head is clearer.  I'm usually so easily distracted, and lose my train of thought easily.  I've been able to focus well and follow through on some things that I have wanted to get done.... things as mundane as laundry, but I haven't been able to summon the will to do so this week, until today.

It's the start of a new chapter!

Two weeks left

Only two more weeks of summer vacation, and then the kids go back to school.  This is the first year for my youngest!  I can't believe it.  I am so going to bawl my eyes out when I drop him off at school the first time!

In the meantime, we have another birthday to celebrate.  My youngest is turning 4.  I'm going to start making his pinata this week, as it takes so long to dry between coats of paper mache.  It's a new tradition that I've started this year, which is something my mom did for my sister and I when we were little.

In three more weeks, I start school too!  It's a 3 month program at college, to help me figure out which direction I want to go with my career now that the boys are both in school.  I am open to something new, and want to find a career that will really match my values, interests and abilities.  However, I don't know what that might be!  Hence, the program.... high hopes for this program!

So, time to soak up the last bit of summer while it lasts!  And also, time to kick some more butt around the house to get things as organized as possible before time runs out.

Kitchen.... check!

This entire day, I was completely on target.  It was a huge task, and I really nailed it.  I cleaned and organized my whole kitchen, including the cupboards, and the huge pile of crap (including some rotting potatoes) that had accumulated on the floor.  Yay!  I am so happy with it.  I even took a magic eraser to the walls, the flow hood, and the stove top.  I scrubbed the floors too.  I mean, I nailed it!  I didn't do much of anything else.  It took a looooong time.  And yet, I was able to focus to get it done.

The boys were great at entertaining themselves today, and they were not overly whiny, which was a JOY.  I have been very sensitive to their whining lately.  It makes me want to collapse into a coma... it's not good.  But I've been cutting back my caffeine intake, so maybe that has helped too.  First I went off tea, cold turkey, and surprise, I had headaches from that and felt awful.  Now I'm drinking one or two very weak cups of tea, that only brews for 1 minute, and it seems perfect.  It may be the 'placebo effect', or it may be just the right amount of caffeine to alleviate headaches but not exacerbate the anxiety level.

This week I also took some time (too late at night!) to go through some old emails from 2007.  In particular, I was interested in the ones my ex sent to me.  I would send him a couple of paragraphs of my thoughts each day, and he'd reply with one-liners.  It really captured our whole relationship.  He didn't acknowledge much of what I thought or felt, ever.  He never wanted me to ask for his help.  He was very creative at dodging those requests.  And I was on his case over and over again to deal with an issue that was very important, but he simply didn't want to deal with.  He was also very creative at stalling that issue.  I can't believe I put up with him for so long.

Well, on that happy note...  Perhaps I'll refocus my energy by thinking about what I'm grateful for today!

1. My children.
2. My parents.
3. My sister.
4. My dear friends, both old and new.
5. That I had the courage to say "enough" and start again.
6. My spirituality and growing to love myself more each day.
7. Sticking with my vision of being a stay-at-home mom, until my kids start school.
8. The beautiful summer weather.
9. For the grace to know that I am loved, no matter what, and held in the arms of God.

Get in the game

Some days, like today, I feel like I am able to actually accomplish everything that I set out for the day.  I made fun plans, and moved through the day effortlessly.  We went to the beach, and then had a playdate, and then went to a neighbourhood party at a splash pad and made new friends there.  It was a day of being active, being outdoors, spending time with others, feeling connected to the great heartbeat of the world.  Feeling in the zone.

Oh, how I wish I felt this way every day.

I've had a lot of highs and lows lately, or maybe I'm just becoming more aware of them, and they are not really anything unusual.

This fall, I'm going to be the coordinator for a weekly children's program, which is something new for me.  I'm not used to being in leadership roles.  I need to really get my head in the game, to make this happen!  I am a chronic procrastinator.  I have good people helping me, though, so I know I can lean on them when I need to.  Delegating is a sign of a good leader, right?!

Scratch that... I just remembered that I was the leader of the yearbook club in high school.  I kinda sucked at that.  My sister and best friend essentially took over the role for me.  However, that was a long time ago.  My past performance does not dictate the present.  We are all new in each moment, and can make different choices.  If I believe I can do it, then I can.

So, this is me, cheering me on!  Go, me!

My therapy went bust

I had a fantastic couple of days of blazing through my apartment with a vengenace.  Then I dropped and crashed.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I had a blitz, and now I'm blitzed out.  I can't explain it.  Perhaps I was motivated by the energy of the full moon (in Aquarius, if that is significant).  But I am just not feeling it anymore.  I sooooo wish I was.  I've decided I'm going to speak to my doctor about this.  I think it may be time to call in the big guns.... meds.  I've never tried antidepressants before, but I have enough anxiety and lack of ability to focus to warrant it, I think.  I so wish I could focus on a task and stick with it.  That would be great.  It did feel great while it lasted.... but it never does last.  In fact, I think I can remember another 'blitz' that correlated with a full moon.... so maybe there is something to that.

Well, this feeling is pretty crappy, and I need to find my zen again.  Blahhhhhhhhhhhh.... crappy.

De-cluttering is my therapy!

I've had a great day!  I unloaded at least 10 garbage bags worth of stuff, and it feels fantastic.  I begged my sister to look after the boys today while I got down to business.  I worked furiously, and got so much done.  What a great, amazing, euphoric feeling.  This is the cure to the small apartment blues.  This is what I need to do to change my life.  I was listening to Arielle Ford, author of the Soulmate Secret, and she reminded me how important it is to let go of the past, to let go of any physical, emotional and psychic energy that ties you to past loves.  I did some of that today.  I need to physically free up space in my home for a new love, also.  There is barely enough room for the boys and I here now.  It's too crowded in here to have any company over.  That is beginning to change, though!  The tides have shifted.  I can feel it.  I am going to max out the rest of this month to do all I can in this positive direction.  Carpe Diem!

Looking back to reclaim the past in a new way

Ever since I have been separated, whenever I would look at pictures of my boys from our old home (before the separation) I would feel extremely sad and a wee bit depressed.  I haven't yet been able to reconcile the two parts of my life as a mother together.  I have moved on, without looking back.  The only way I could move on was to keep my eyes on the road ahead of me, so to speak, and to not allow myself to look back.  Well, eventually, I'm not going to be able to avoid looking back.  Eventually, the boys will want to look at photos of them as a baby.  I need to deal with these feelings.

Tonight I looked back at about 3 1/2 years worth of photos that I have on my Facebook page, and I finally decided to delete all of the pictures containing my ex.  Why?  Well, it's about damn time, that's why!  I never looked back at those old pictures, so it didn't bother me that they were there.  And, part of me felt that it was part of the story, so why delete them.  But now, I want to reclaim part of that past that is exclusively mine.  I want to be able to look back at the pictures, from before my separation, and be able to connect with them from the here-and-now, with joy.  I cannot allow myself to live with regret and disappointment about the past!  What's done is done.  It may be sad, yes.  But there is still so much joy, of motherhood, that I need to reclaim and carry forward with me.  My history as a mother did not start 2 1/2 years ago, so why should I only allow myself to live with those memories.  The memories of the entire time of motherhood are so precious, and I can allow myself to enjoy and cherish them all.  Yes, "he" was still in the picture then too, but I'm not ready or able to reconcile with that fully yet.  I can first allow all the memories about myself and my children resurface in my head, and then maybe I'll be able to process it all...... eventually.

Hello Loneliness

For so long, I have been entirely focused on recovering from my marital break-up, and haven't even considered a new relationship.  It's been two-and-a-half years!  I'm just crazy busy all the time taking care of my two young boys, 24/7.  The thought of dating again scares me, frankly.  I don't want to be taken for a ride again.  I want to believe that I will manifest a quality relationship with an honest, loving, open, available, affectionate, spiritual man, when I am ready to do so.  However, I don't feel ready to do so yet.

Or am I?

I just felt the "ping" of loneliness grab me today, and I felt crushed under its sudden arrival.  I had just spent part of the afternoon on a hike with my dear friend and her new love.  Why am I feeling this pain, this heaviness in my chest, this aching pain?  I can only imagine that my body is starting to turn toward thoughts of finding love again.  While this thought terrifies me, I want to let myself actually feel this loneliness and not try to numb it.  I want to open myself up to it, and learn the lesson that it is teaching me.

I'm sure the aching pain at the misery that was my marriage, with the wound being torn open again recently, has something to do with this also.  I can't have my ex-husband back in my life again, because he is a toxic leech, a vampire really, and he has not changed.  I can never, ever, ever be married to that man again.  He is so bad for me.  However, by acknowledging that, and yes, still wishing that reality was not true and my ex could somehow transform into a decent human being, well.... that's made the wound all fresh and new again.  It is a deep wound, and I think I've been numb toward it for most of the time we've been apart.  But it's still there.  I still need to heal that wound.  I can't move on until I do.

My heart is telling me that I want to find that special someone.  I want to share my life with my true soulmate. I have read Arielle Ford's book, The Soulmate Secret, and I think perhaps it's time to re-read it and begin to actually do the exercises.  One of which is to cut the emotional ties to your past.  Well, DUH!  Of course... but how exactly do I do that?  I suppose I can acknowledge that I've done some work on that already, but I need to look into that wound and be really honest with myself.  I need to console myself for the loss of the person who I wish my ex was and who I wish he could be.  I need to grieve the dream that died two-and-a-half years ago.  I need to grieve for my children's dream that can never come true, of living with both of their parents every day.  That can never, ever be.  I can't even allow myself to entertain the possibility of reconciliation.  It just simply cannot be.  No, No, No!!  Even if the boys beg me every day, plead with me, cry with me, I need to be honest with myself and with them.  It's not ever going to happen.  I need to deal with the huge guilt I feel because of that fact.  I need to release the guilt, give it up to God, and finally be free.

"I am a good housekeeper, I am tidy and neat!"

Sound like an affirmation?  Well, it is.  I know that I am what I think about all day long.  This is a lesson I've been reading about for years now, and have actually described in detail to my friend this week who really needs to believe in herself.  I desperately need to apply this in my own life, more consistently.

I want to create a comfortable home for myself, with a place for everything and everything in its place (more or less).  I understand that it will take a lot of work to accomplish this, but I need to believe in myself and to know that it will happen, in small increments, day by day, if I keep at it.  I need to keep at it!!  This sounds simple, but it's so easy to get distracted, and to feel overwhelmed and give up.  I have been 'ignoring' this problem for most of my life, and have always held a negative self-label about myself because of it.  If I can believe that I am not a slob, I am not a hoarder, I am not incapable of maintaining a tidy home, then I can actually begin to change.

Hence the positive affirmation.  Yes, I am a student of Louise Hay and Dr. Wayne Dyer.  I am completely convinced that this works (in general).  If it works, then it will work for me.

I need to start proving this new self-identity to myself by actually being 'tidy and neat' in some small way, every day.  By cleaning my dishes every night, and by tackling a bit of the clutter every day.  It seems fruitless, in a way, because dirty dishes and new clutter (mail, children's school work, etc.) arrive every day.  I really need to be doing more than just keep up with the daily dishes and clutter... but if I could just do a tiny bit extra every day, even for just 15 minutes (this is a FlyLady philosophy; you can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes!), then yes, it will actually get me ahead in this game.

And so, off I go!  Think it, and be it.  Miss Tidy is on the job!

The Good, The Bad, and the gut-wrenching Ugly

I have taken away some very excellent things from my vacation, and also brought home a heap full of trouble that is a'brewing.  I'm going to serve up the good stuff first...

I spent some of my vacation with a dear friend who is going to be a very excellent mother someday.  She just totally gets it.  I'm so convinced of that now!  She taught me how to discipline my children much in the way that Supernanny does, and guess what, it actually works.  Even for me!  I didn't think I could do it, and that became my reality.  I tried to implement time-outs in the past, but my boys didn't take me seriously and would sneak away repeatedly, or try to kick, hit, or scratch me in the process.  I felt the need to hover closeby, and they resented the hovering.  Somehow, she was able to turn the tides for me.  She has a demeanor that told the kids she meant business, and I just followed her lead.  Somehow, I have found my serious Mommy voice, and it has been such a relief to find something that really works.  My friend also helped me to start a healthy bedtime routine, wherein the kids actually go to bed by themselves and yes, actually stay in bed.  Amazing!  Another thing that she started at her house is a reward jar, which they decorated themselves with stickers.  We would give them cotton balls to put into their jars for good behavior, and when the jar is full, they trade their cotton balls in for a 'reward', such a trip to an indoor play center (such as the ones at McDonald's).  They are learning that good behavior pays off.  It's brilliant!!  This friend of mine could actually start up her own parenting consulting company, she's that good!  She also prepared a poster board that she hung on the wall with the House Rules, and we added to the list as needed.  It really helps to have it in writing.

Now the bad.... I have been separated from my husband for two-and-a-half years, and for the first time, my oldest has asked me, "Mommy, why don't you let Daddy live with us?  I want to see Daddy every day."  It just breaks my heart!!  I know it's healthy for him to finally be able to verbalize his feelings to me, but damn.... it's been very tough for me.  I find my will to move on and live a healthier, happier life on my own crumbling down.  I chose to leave the marriage, because I couldn't fix it on my own.  My ex wouldn't admit any fault, and was very manipulative, controlling, dominating, and abusive.  It was getting worse and worse.  My family and close friends saw the signs before I did.  I was in denial, and would not even consider the idea of leaving until it got so bad, I couldn't turn back.  I had to leave.  I saw the same patterns repeating over and over, and I my inner flame was being extinguished.  But now, the guilt of breaking up our family for my own self-preservation has resurfaced, and I see the pain in PTJ's eyes.  He is so much more affected by this than TCB.  PTJ is absolutely craving a male figure in his life, and he hasn't had that for the last year.  For the first year of our separation, the boys would see their dad quite often, usually every weekend.  But circumstances have changed in his life, and the boys didn't see him at all for five-and-a-half months.  They have maintained their relationship over the telephone, and they seemed to be adapting to the new 'normal' quite well, but that has all come crashing down after seeing him again for a week.  I can't imagine how tough it has been for them, and unfortunately, they probably think it's their own fault.  PTJ has said to me that "Daddy must not like me.  I want Daddy to like me."  I hate to think what scars they will carry with them into adulthood from this.  Sometimes I question myself, and feel selfish to choose my own happiness at the cost of their pain.  But then I realize that to stay in the marriage would have caused them pain also, to see their mother evaporate before their eyes.  I don't know which of the two evils would be the worst.  I'll never know.

Gone through hell and back

I'm back!!  I survived the ex-in-law song and dance.  I endured a week in the woods with my psycho ex-mother-in-law (and the rest of her family), and even had a chance to speak a little bit of honesty to her.  I opened to door to honesty, and the shit came flying through it.  I had no idea what a bitch this woman could be!  I had never experienced it full-throttle before, though I had always suspected she was capable of it.  The only reason I endured the torture was because the ex's parents had paid good money to bring us there.  I did it solely for the boys.  I don't give a rats ass if I am ever invited there again, and frankly, I don't think I could do it again.  Certainly not for a week.  That was about 6 days too long.... seriously.  By the 3rd day I was really ready to pop a gasket, and I'd be nuts to put myself through that ever again.

The good news is that a family of goats appeared outside the kitchen window on the last day we were there, and that was, in a word, magical.  There have never been wild goats on this mountain before.  Why were they there? Simply to brighten my mood, I'm sure of it.  I felt as though I had been touched by the hand of God.  Seeing those goats brought me back to my joy again.  I can't explain it!  It was simply a gift.

Summer fun??

Soon we embark on our summer adventure.  It will be my boys' first time on an airplane.  We are going to visit the 'other half' of my boys' family.  My former in-laws are having a family reunion, and we're invited.  They want to spend time with their grandsons, and I'm the gatekeeper, so to speak.  The ex will be there too.  It's going to be the first time we'll be together for an extended period of time since the separation, which was over 2 years ago (but seems like a lifetime ago).  I am having lots of mixed emotions about this.  I am not a natural traveller, to say the least, and this is certainly not going to be a straight-forward joy-filled occasion for me.  It may make me feel like a pile of crap, and reload guilt on my plate that I've already tried to wash away.  I don't want my boys to get 'confused' about the status of their family.  I think this is highly unusual, for a woman to spend a week with her ex's family.  I'm doing it for the sake of the kids... and hopefully, I come out of this a stronger woman, more sure of myself and my decision to leave the marriage.  I know I deserve better.  I know he treated me like crap.  I know I don't want that ever again.... and so, I can do this.  I can do it.  God help me!

A time for good bye

Having reached the end of the school year, both of my boys are having graduation or 'moving on' ceremonies.  I am finding myself really pausing to mark the passing of time, and that things are a'changing.  Very soon, I will no longer have alone time with my youngest while his big brother is at school!  Very soon, we'll be in summer vacation mode, and before long, the cycle will start again with another school year.  I have also had to say good bye to my volunteer position, which has ended.  Yet again, life as I have known it for the last 6 months is about to be turned on its head.

It's a gift when opportunities arise that give me the chance to actually stand back and notice that time is marching on, and that change is inevitable.  Even though I am teary at the 'end' of this era, I am also optimistic and hopeful about the new chapter opening up.  Bring it on!!!

Synchronicity

Last weekend, I found myself in the exact same place, at the exact same time, as my mother.  Totally at random.  What does that mean?  We live in the same town, of about 100,000 people.  What are the chances of us meeting two days in a row, at random?  First, we were in the exact same line at the grocery store (and usually, I don't shop at that grocery store), and then we were in the same line at the McDonald's drive through, both ordering ice cream cones.  I really find that to be a very meaningful coincidence.  What is the universe telling me?  Savour the moments together with my family?  Really take note and appreciate them?  They are so precious.  My parents are both about 70-ish, and we know that at any age, but especially at their age, life can change on a dime.  I am taking a long, thoughtful pause, and want to really learn the message that this synchronicity is bringing me.  Thank you, Universe!  I need to be more deeply present.

Love notes and yummy cuddles

There is nothing better than being gifted with a hand-written note of affection from your own child!  I am given these fairly frequently by my oldest, PTJ.  And my youngest, TCB, gives me the most delicious cuddles and knows just how to comfort me and cheer me up when I'm at my wits end.  Sometimes I find myself dwelling on the negatives, well.... too often, it seems.  It does my soul well to pause and take note of the most fantastic ways that my children make my life rich and full of beauty.  As one of my favorite authors writes, "What we think about, we become."  (Wayne Dyer)

A birthday party

My oldest son's birthday party was held at McDonalds this past week.  It was PTJ's first birthday celebration with his school friends, since he just started school this year.  I'd say it was a success!  Lots of fun was had by all!

The boys worked up an appetite in the play room, and then sat down just long enough to eat a few chicken nuggets, French fries and apple juice.  The Happy Meal included Batman toys, which was a hit.

We were taken on a tour of the back of the restaurant, and then after more time in the play room, the boys gathered long enough to eat some chocolate cake!  Then it was back to business.  PARTY!!

A day in the life

Welcome to my blog!  Let me introduce myself.... I am, first and foremost, a Mom.  I have two sons.  My oldest, Pokemon Trainer 'J' (PTJ), is in Junior Kindergarten.  My youngest, Train Conductor 'B' (TCB), is in Preschool.  I will tell stories from a day in the life as a busy Mom of two very special young boys.